Recently I was having dinner with an old friend who I incidentally used to sort of date more than a decade ago. And throughout the course of the evening it was revealed that he is currently cheating on his wife. I was of course aghast and disappointed and told him so. And then I was supportive and offered counsel on how to stop cheating. But then I made the offhand remark, "Geesh. I'm glad you never cheated on me." And he replied, "Umm. Yeah I did. Several times. Once at (name redacted)'s party, in the bathroom while you guys were playing beer pong." I would like to be mad but:
- He was just so darn charming while telling me about it. It's hard to hate his face.
- It was during the administration of George W. Bush. Two people have been elected president since them. It is a different world.
- The relationship wasn't particularly serious. Not sleeping with other girls would've been more a matter of good manners than obligation.
- About 19 months ago he was training me and I dropped a 15lb kettlebell on his genitals. They were injured and he didn't even yell at me.
- Merely being kicked in the dick is the usual penalty for cheating. Treating someone's junk like the Coyote in a Roadrunner cartoon still puts me ahead.
- He bought dinner. And it was no tiny check. Appetizer, two bottles of wine, entrees, dessert and espresso.
So I can't be mad. And I'm not. But now everything he says or does is suspect. I checked to make sure the credit card he used was in his name. When the valet gave him back his keys and said, "Have a nice night, sir" I thought to myself, "Sir? Is he even a man? What can we believe? What other lies has he told?" This feels similar to the time my coke addict friend admitted she's been stealing money out of my wallet for the past two years. I'm the trusting doofus. I'm just a Disney Princess in a horror film. I just walk around thinking everything is rainbows and singing birds. And any second now something fucked up that you all saw coming is going to happen. But...I can't get mad. I just keep repeating...kettlebell. Kettlebell. Kettlebell.